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[Jul. 12th, 2009|02:49 pm] |
i write every day in my moleskine and it's starting to get full. papers are flying and falling out like hairs. i'm not thinking. i am thinking; too much. too deep into thought, i hate it.
i can't stand repeating a thought, and it circles and circles. i can('t) stop.
not last night. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 2nd, 2009|07:17 am] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | mount eerie | ] |
i never write in this thing anymore. i've gotten too caught up in all that's been going on.
too many boys, too much excitement, too much touching |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 29th, 2009|07:21 pm] |
when am i gonna see
that pretty face again |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 27th, 2008|12:17 am] |
i really hope you're a creep like me.
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 20th, 2008|03:56 pm] |
everything is so goddamn boring right now. i haven't been to school in two months. i'll go back after thanksgiving i guess though. ramsey's gone for 5 weeks and i can't even speak to him. i can't use my car o leave my house and i don't have any money. i don't want a job and i don't need any money. i want to graduate already i'm sick of all this high school years bullshit and waiting and waiting and waiting.
i hate everything. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 6th, 2008|11:04 pm] |
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i'm the biggest recluse i know |
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| where summer goes |
[Jul. 8th, 2008|12:48 am] |
my hair was falling out a lot last year, and it's finally growing back. i'm getting little curly ques by my temples and above my forehead. it shouldn't have even fallen out in the first place, but i let it. i've lost a few friends this summer. i wouldn't doubt if i was to be a hermit like my father for the rest of my life. i would be sad, but i would enjoy it. the only reason i can function in most situations now is because i take lexapro, it's hard remember that i have to take a pill every morning before i continue my day, most days i forget, maybe by accident or my subconscious knows i don't like taking them and overrides my attempts to try to make it a part of my life. my mom broke her wrist last night, in her carpals, the first time she's ever broken a bone in her life, she's 54. i watched there will be blood with ramsey, it made me cry a little. then tony smoked a fatty and ate a lot of double stuf oreos, i made ramsey egg-in-a-hole and he loved it, jad ate vanilla yogurt. i want to change a lot of things and i have. i wish i could change people, or that they could just change back into who they used to be but change comes from learning, depending on what's being learned and accumulated, and i don't like who they've become. i know myself now. i'm working on who i am and what i mean to myself and my mother. i loved driving her around all day, she couldn't drive with her wrist broken. it left me a chance to spend time with her and take my mind of missing ramsey. she's an amazing person. and i think about all the bills she has to pay and all the insurance people she has to call and archives to go through to make her next resume and i wish i could take it away from her because she's getting old and i want her to have adventures now.
please, have mercy on me. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 27th, 2008|08:50 pm] |
i have to go to truancy court again. and i'm switching schools for a year so i can have time to focus on myself rather than have the whole realm be school. eventually one day that will be the case but it doesn't need to start my junior year. i don't do my homework, i haven't been to class in 5 days. i went today for 2 periods then i left and got some sushi and honey and mint tea. whenever i skip i just read my new naomi shihab nye book or just see ramsey. he's going to ACE soon, i think we both might just graduate early.
it's been a pretty funny year as usual, once again i find myself abusing drugs and sleeping way too much. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 6th, 2008|10:26 pm] |
saturday is ramsey and i's one month. i love being at his house and eating with his family and just sitting down to watch tv with his parents and laying down and laughing and just being calm then getting really excited and bumping heads and running into trees and making an invisible octopus. i'm so glad he's not going to paris anymore for spring break, but i feel bad for being happy because i really wanted him to be able to experience that again. and i'm sure paris is more exciting than i am.
i still think about cesar sometimes. just like what he's doing or what he's done in the past 3 months. he always told me he wanted to just run away and leave everyone and disappear for a few years then just come back. i loved that idea but i hated the idea that i would be one of the people left clueless.
i want something to happen. i'm really in a mood for traveling. going to austin for south by southwest is going to be an adventure. and being with marji and teni, mmmm, perfect. i need to get a plane or a two seated bicycle in case i find someone in my travels that wants to come along.
my feet are really cold and purple and so are my hands.
things are going well, and very smoothly.
(i love you a lot and at times it can be difficult to show it because i'm afraid of your rejection, i'm sorry. and i love you because you're be and you are is and i don't care about your clouded judgement or ill will to try.) |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 29th, 2008|01:37 am] |
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i had a big big big revelation today. and i can't explain how i got here it just happened and i'm going on foereverr |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 27th, 2008|08:31 pm] |
9 crimes is a beautiful album and "the swan" played on the cello is making me cry. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 25th, 2008|12:03 am] |
that house on the weekend in josh's car with all these people that hated cocaine and then they all left and i was left alone in some stranger's house looking through things then i called cesar and we talked then we went to Pig Stand and ate pancakes
walking to dre's house with josh holding hands before things
driving to houston to see the astro's baseball game with cesar, my mom, and leo and going to the private room and eating cookies and drinking sodas and watching a stupid game then going to the galleria and watching people ice skate
and now thinking about cesar driving to houston to see xiomy, who is she i don't know i hate houston now
having a party and josh and jey showing up with two girls i didn't know and playing modest mouse and arguing with dre if "Trailor Trash" was on Lonesome Crowded West
driving to kerrville to pour my dad into a river with dre the day after i spent the night at her house. my dad's ashes rode shotgun and they were strapped in
laying in the driveway on a mattress with dad and looking at the sky and smelling the tobacco
walking home after track practice
going to Rawlinson with jimmy and looking up and following around a rodent
fishing in the river and catching a catfish and later finding out that it had a worm in its eye and then nailing it to a tree
going to michael's house after my dad died, i have no idea where he is or ian, it's not the same with them anymore
Joe Holbrook and Nick and Al
looking through mom and dad's high school yearbooks and seeing my dead uncle and wondering what he was like and why he looked like me and why they all had red hair and why no one in my family now has red hair but me and why i'm so detached from them and why i resent my mom and why i can't ever say what i mean and where is nick and al and michael
Ryan Longoria
going with Nathan to see a movie and the first time i met Michael and stupid fucking parties at Carlo's house and fucking stupid little girls
the time at Teni's when we made that movie
the time at Kristina's when we danced upstairs and nick came out of the shower and we saw his nipples
drawing pictures on my driveway with chalk and Dre and neighbors watching and giving us weird looks probably because we wrote DICKFACE
walking to preschool to play on the playground
on the playground with Josh
downtown at the Valencia or some name with my mom and my sister and her girlfriend and then Tyla stole her and it was my fault
taking that fucking junkie to get his social security card i wasted my time
working at la madeleine with jimmy and laughing at the jelliess
staying up all night with Nate cesar michael Carlo Josh Eric playing video games and watching Kujo?
outside with no one
BUSY BUSY AND ALL THE SHIT YOU HAD TO DO BEFORE YOU CAME OVER
awkward talks
being pathetic and wondering why i can't ever be what you wantttttttttttttttttttttttthahah |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 20th, 2008|08:43 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | my face is all wet | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | because my day was rough | ] |
i'm going to go hangout at broadway today, and maybe at the incarnate word. and go to the zoo with my sister. i need to buy groceries and new pastels to keep my mind from wandering in places it shouldn't.
last night was really fun, saw jasmine and mckayla, haven't been that happy in a while. and finally getting a chance to talk to mckayla without the pressure of cesar in the air made us both really happy. that house was big and the garage was even pretty.
we stayed up till about 3 or 4, i can't remember, but i had a dream you made a list of reasons why you didn't love me and i started believing your justifications were true.
i wish i could move there and away from this in between "neighborhood" with two pathetic cul-de-sacs that attempt to make it look much more than it is. i like the simplicity of it, but nothing goes on the air. it's quiet and dead as if the block is empty and i know that every house is filled up (except the Hausmann's and they were already quiet to begin with seeing as how they were two wrinkley peas in a pod). it's too plain sometimes and i need more action rather that solitude right now; a new neighborhood would mean constant action, speed limits, stop signs, more people. those can be tedious but i'd endure the little annoyances if it meant something new. i hope i find a place where i feel i belong.
driving home there was dried sleet on my window. it was very cute. i wish someone was with me to scrape it off. that would be very cute. i came home and cried for a little bit.
i can't wait for broadway today, i wish i had someone to go with me, or someone that i really wanted to come but you don't know and neither do i. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 7th, 2008|05:45 pm] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | pavement | ] |
sad and i want to be happy on some days with one person so i can share things i hate sharing but if i had someone who made me happy i would be happy to share. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 4th, 2008|11:02 am] |
i have run, i have crawled
i have scaled
i have
i have
i have
i have to be with you
to be with you
only to be with you |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 28th, 2007|05:39 pm] |
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I suppose it's becoming too far to drive. Gas money is really becoming an issue, and neither of us seem to be able to cough up the 27 dollars it takes to fill up our tanks. Driving is usually tiring for me but when it's driving to see you I pretend like I'm a secret agent searching for cops, making sure they can't see me going 70 in a 45. I've never complained about going 50 miles there and back; it's a calming trip where I can blast my music and sing along, eager and excited to see what's going to happen when I ring your doorbell. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 28th, 2007|07:49 pm] |
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i got a notice on my door for a truancy court warning. i can't miss anymore school unless i have a serious problem. in that case i'm just going to tell my psychologist to write me notes every time i skip class. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 26th, 2007|05:58 pm] |
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my old is deleted now. too many things in there i hold a lot of contempt for and i would much rather move forward apicably. today actually wasn't that bad and i'm in a good mood surprisingly. i need like 700 dollars for plane tickets though. no one knows where i'm going hehe ;) i think i'll just pack up and leave once i get the money. i wonder if anyone would notice or if they would be mad that i left. probably not. i really need to stop developing tiny crushes on people. there was something he said that i didn't understand, but i'd really like to. i want to be content with the whole thing, but the little conversations we have make me over analyze everything blehhhh :( |
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